Alice… what's the matter?

breast cancer blogger

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Introvert. Online waffler. Breast cancer fighter. Dreamer. Maybe a writer, one day…

  • Robyn Lee’s Story

    It occurs to me that despite the many challenges that life is throwing at me just recently, I am still really quite lucky. I’ve got through preventative chemo and am starting to feel better, and I’ve even been working since my last chemo (though I pretty much collapsed every evening after work those first few weeks!) I am so pleased that I’ve had the support and mental strength to get through it all. It could have been so much worse.

    Proving this point extremely well, is another lady blogger who sounds like she’s going through a lot on an ongoing basis, and yet she sounds as upbeat and positive as I think it is possible to be in her situation. I’ve literally just found her blog tonight but she’s inspiring and she loves walks and photography as I do… So I wanted to introduce her to you.

    She says:
    “Taking photos during my nature walks has helped me get in touch with many unconscious emotions. A born optimist and pleaser, I tend to put on a happy face in an attempt to rise above my challenges. In some ways this has served me as an effective defense mechanism. I needed to believe I was more than my physical pain in order to survive.” – Robyn Lee .

  • It’s a brand new day (year)

    It’s going to be a busy time for me over the next few months, with my NEW BOOBS to be sorted out, and reconstruction operations and double mastectomies and so on . It really makes me chuckle to even think I’m getting fake boobs.

    I remember an evening in a place called the Sizzling Wok a few years ago where I got talking to some friends from work about fakeness including fake tan (which I’d just been to get, prior to a Christmas party) and fake boobs. I remember announcing that I’d never want to get a boob job, as other than othodontist treatment and one pair of earrings, I haven’t really self-modified nor has it ever appealed to me.

    NEVER say never – it always always comes back to bite you massively in the arse. For example, the time in the sixth form at school that I said I’d NEVER get divorced. Haha! Oh, bless that callow young version of me. 😉

    It’s still all a bit up in the air as to timings, but I saw the plastic surgeon today who showed me the cleverness that is an expandable silicone implant. ACTUAL pneumatic boobs! We even agreed that I could indeed go a little bit bigger if I want to at a later point, without needing additional ops, as it uses saline which can be pumped in via a special port under each arm! OK, very bizarre when you say it out loud, but hurray for technology, I say. Oh – I won’t be fit to star in a Kenny Everett show though, as they still won’t be huge balloon baps – at my age I would need total re-training on where to put them if they are too big, and I’m sure I would just look as ridiculous as Katie Price. 😛

    There are options other than silicone, but they all involve hacking muscles out from my back or stomach… Yeuch! Whilst I don’t currently rock climb, who’s to say if I might want to one day… certainly I’m thinking hang-gliding is on this year’s agenda. Also, boobs aren’t really that useful to me in comparison to say, being able to do sit-ups / sit up in bed using my stomach muscles!

    I told the surgeon today – I’m not going to hack bits of me up that work just fine, only in order to make something LOOK better that isn’t particularly useful! He gave me a surprised look, as if to say well, surely they are in use, and are good to have? Hmm… well, it’s not like I’m a parent nor is there any chance of that – since those parts of me aren’t in good working order either.  Therefore, I’m sticking to the options that are least risky and damaging, and if my body decides it doesn’t like silicone, then so be it, I’ll make do without boobs. I still get the chance to rock-climb, that way. 🙂

    Along with the new boobs I’m also hatching a hang-gliding plan – for real. 🙂

    I’ve stayed in one place for too long
    Gotta get on the run again
    I saw the one thing that I want
    Hell bent, get outta bed
    I’m throwing rocks at your window
    You’re tying the bed sheets together
    They say that we’re dreaming too big
    I say this town’s too small

    Dream, send me a sign
    Turn back the clock, give me some time
    I need to break out and make a new name
    Let’s open our eyes to the brand new day
    It’s a brand new day

    Song by Ryan Star – music used on “Lie To Me” TV series

  • Lust for life

    Dear Alice,

    It’s time to say thanks and to make plans. 2012 was the year you learned to kick some cancer arse, and you did it yourself.

    I know it’s been so, so hard to keep going with the effects of the treatment to endure, heartbreaks and heartaches and the disruption of not being able to work consistently. It took its toll on you both physically and emotionally.

    You did it though! With the help, love and support of some amazing people, some of whom you hadn’t even been in touch with for years or indeed never knew or met before this year, you got through the op and the chemo. So – that’s evidence that you are loved, and valued by other people, and it’s time for you to do that too.

    You’re beginning to feel better, so you need to build on that and gain some momentum… and break out of your funk.

    In 2013, you’re going to:

    1) Get new boobs. (They’d better be amazing for this to be worth it!)

    2) Take the opportunity to learn to play the guitar and stop being so dependent on musicians for the music in your life.

    3) Get back into Zumba classes and despite your complete lack of coordination, you will have a whale of a time dancing about and meeting new people just like you did in 2011.

    (Remember, dancing makes you happy and being able to fit into clothes better will be a strong motivator! Also health-wise, being on Tamoxifen it is even more important to burn off the calories and keep the blood moving to avoid DVT.)

    4) Go on a trip to at least 2 places you’ve never been to before. (If you can, talk Kristy and various other girlfriends into that trip around NZ or CA in a camper van!)

    And you WILL do it with a LUST FOR LIFE.

    Love,

    Princesspea

    Here comes johnny yen again
    With the liquor and drugs
    And the flesh machine
    He’s gonna do another strip tease.
    Hey man, where’d ya get that lotion?
    I’ve been hurting since I’ve bought the gimmick
    About something called love
    Yeah, something called love.
    Well, that’s like hypnotizing chickens.

    Well, I’m just a modern guy
    Of course, I’ve had it in the ear before.
    I have a lust for life
    ’cause of a lust for life.

    Lyrics by Iggy Pop and David Bowie

  • Food, glorious food

    I can’t tell you the happiness involved in finding that food and drink tastes normal again! I feel very sympathetic towards old folks that have lost their sense of smell and can no longer enjoy their food.

    Being able to enjoy the flavours and smells of food and talk about food and drink is an important part of my life. I’ve always had quite a good sense of smell which means I can put on an adequate Jilly Goolden impression at wine tastings and point out some interesting flavoured beers at beer festivals.

    It’s really hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced chemo, how tiring it can be. The ridiculous feeling of being giddy and breathless after climbing 2 flights of stairs. Not being able to just unload a washing machine without being knackered. Feeling so tired that you’re crying and have to be put to bed like a 3-year-old.

    In some ways, the part I found hardest was not being able to eat or drink anything without it tasting like some strange hybrid of food, metal and plastic. I was doing really well at drinking loads of water every day through the first few rounds of chemo but then once everything I drank tasted nasty it was quite hard to keep motivated with that. I think that’s why my nails suffered during the last round of treatment as the chemicals were just more concentrated in me.

    The simple joy of feeling alive again is wonderful.

    Food, glorious food! Don’t care what it looks like.
    Burned! Underdone! Crude! Don’t care what the cook’s like.
    Just thinking of growing fat – Our senses go reeling
    One moment of knowing that full-up feeling!

    Food, glorious food! What wouldn’t we give for
    That extra bit more – That’s all that we live for
    Why should we be fated to do nothing but brood
    On food, Magical food,
    Wonderful food, Marvellous food,
    Fabulous food.

    Lyrics from “Oliver”

  • Think about direction

    I’m trying to stop being confused. I need to find some zen goodness and direction.

    I’ve always wanted to live life reaching out to other people and finding ways to gain common ground, to help people, to connect. I’ve been advised many times to stop expecting to understand anyone except myself. People are unpredictable. People let you down. People are rubbish, or so I’m told… Perhaps the people advising this are the very people who don’t want to be analysed or understood; that would make them accessible or vulnerable and they’ve already been let down enough, thank you very much.

    Yes. People do let you down. Frequently. But at least if I can have some hope of understanding why, I can forgive it. Equally importantly, those people forgive me too.

    I don’t feel let down. I feel supported. I thank everyone who’s supported me through this last year, in whatever capacity they could, because they made what could have been simply awful into something bearable and at times, fun. That includes my family, my friends, and even all of my ex-partners, everyone has played a part in keeping me sane and looking after me (or Bob the stinky dog) in some way. You’re all lovely, and thank you.

    Yes, 2012 has been tough – but it wasn’t fighting the cancer that was the toughest. It was trying to maintain relationships with the people who matter most to me. And whilst breaking up with two of them in the last 14 months has been really difficult, emotional and confusing,  I couldn’t have got through the cancer crap without their support, and I love them and all of my family and friends dearly.

    If you are confused, check with the sun
    Carry a compass to help you along
    Your feet are going to be on the ground
    Your head is there to move you around, so

    Stand in the place where you live
    Now face North
    Think about direction
    Wonder why you haven’t before
    Now stand in the place where you work
    Now face West
    Think about the place where you live
    Wonder why you haven’t before

    Lyrics by REM