Dreams are like angels

A number of friends have told me that 2012 has honestly been the worst year of their life. They have lost family members, friends, partners or have in some way had a loss that has set them into emotional freefall.

I have to say that it certainly ranks as one of the toughest for me too. Now, I love a good list but in this case, with the way I feel at the moment, a list of all the things that have happened this year only assists me in my current quest to wallow in sadness without a clear direction out of it.

One thing I have learned about myself is that when placed under extreme stress, I can be a little prone to want to make lots of decisions or push to make changes to my life to try to counteract whatever the stress element is. This doesn’t always affect the people I love but sometimes they get caught in the crossfire or neglected when they should be exactly the people I talk to. I’m all trousers and no mouth, as it were.

So now, yet again backed into a bit of a corner by life, I’m trying not to just curl into a sobbing ball and it’s not working very well. I am literally feeling pain from all the stress hormones buzzing around my body. It feels like the beginning of a race or the moment where I realise I’m being chased by a bad guy… And I’m rooted to the spot when I want to be running.

I am trying my best not to reject everyone and everything. I already failed that with several of my best friends this year and three is plenty; I am extremely lucky that they speak to me at all. I know that this is proper weapons-grade self-pity but I feel like the destroyer of worlds at the moment.

The thing that tips me over into angry prison-break mode is that I’ve now made it through chemo, but instead of celebrating, I have been awarded the generous prize of a double mastectomy for my trouble, thank you very much. Now, I’ve never been particularly endowed in that department so it’s not like a huge loss of volume will occur… But I already look like a bald bloke if I wear the wrong clothes (a bull dyke, suggested one dear friend) so having no chest at all may also set me back considerably in the feeling attractive department. It’s not like I’ve had a lot of offers recently. And I’m very hard work. Ask my exes. (They’re racking up). So I could end up a grumpy lonely spinster with only a part-share in a stinky dog at this rate.

To avoid memories of the way I felt this time last year, I’ve planned a trip to Bruges, Brussels and Amsterdam this Christmas and New Year. However, even that appears to be unravelling now. I am thinking of re-naming Christmas to “shitmas” because that will be three years in a row with me feeling royally pissed off and not really wanting to talk to people on Christmas Day.

I’m trapped in the land of stress and sadness and looming medical procedures for the foreseeable. So, that makes me angrygirl73 wanting to throw stuff and shout a lot and run away with the circus and yet not being able to, for fear of upsetting more people than I’ve already upset.

There’s a John Lewis advert out at the moment that launched a couple of weeks ago for Christmas. The advert is called “The journey” and is sung by Gabrielle Aplin. It follows a snowman on a romantic quest to buy a gift for a snowwoman and uses the song “The Power of Love” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood (No.1 hit in December 1984, pop pickers!!).

My musical friends could probably tell you all about the minor key it’s in and the construction of the song being designed to provoke an emotional response etc. I just know I want to run away sobbing whenever I hear it, so that does suggest getting away from all TV may be a good call this shitmas.

Last night, one friend who’s had more an their fair share of sadness in the last few years said they are seriously considering running away. I didn’t have to think too much to know I feel the same way and I said “can I come too?!”. When you’re depressed, that trapped feeling is one of the most horrible feelings of all. Running away is at least DOING something. Going off travelling the world in a camper van with friends for a few months is an extremely enticing idea. The dream of escape.

Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay (bad at bay)
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away

The power of love, a force from above
Cleaning my soul
Flame on burn desire, Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul,
Make love your goal

I’ll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door