Despite all my rage…

Well, actually one positive thing to come out of the last 2 weeks of feeling poorly and grumpy is that I am now pretty angry, which should feed my creativity. I write poems when I’m angry or sad, and when it’s both, watch out. To top it all off, basically someone I care about, just provided the opportunity for the person who bullied me some years ago, to be able to hurt me with their thoughtless words and make me feel like a nobody… Again.

I don’t give up easily when people attack me, believe me. It takes months of sustained confrontations, things said to undermine me and my abilities, my relationships and my validity to exist before I start to believe that I am not wanted, unwelcome. At that time, I clung on fiercely to the belief that I am better than what was being said, despite people being manipulated and beginning to follow that pied piper. I held on to hope that I could mend the situation and come back from it stronger. I would change whatever I had to about my demeanour to make it so nobody would know how it affected me and it wouldn’t involve anyone else (by my doing, anyway). So most of my friends didn’t really know until it was over, what the impact of it had been on me. I kept my comments to myself, wanting to maintain the moral high ground.

It was a utterly miserable time in my life and I deliberately only rarely think about it now – mostly because I try to focus on positive things.

At that time, someone I care deeply about let me down. The one person who could have truly empathised with me and the mental torture I was put through, because they saw it happen. They lived through all my anguish, my questions about whether I should stop fighting and just give up. When I began to believe the story that I was no good, they talked sense into me.

So then why, I don’t understand why they couldn’t see that having to do more than have a five minute conversation with that person, pretending it all never happened would be difficult for me. It reminds me of too many negative things, and I don’t want that. So I am polite, and friendly, and I don’t think I’ve let on or given anyone else a reason to believe that the situation is uncomfortable for me… It’s in the past and I don’t get involved in holding grudges. However, I must be an awesome actor. (Not an asshole or a waste of space, after all!) I did such a good job of pretending that period of time is water under the bridge it seems I convinced everyone, including the person I kind of hoped knew better than that, that everything is cool and I don’t care.

So roll forward in time and I am in a position where none of that old crap should matter anymore, because if they want to hang out with each other, I don’t have to be there; I left.

The person who lived through all that stuff with me, gradually had stopped talking to me about the stuff that matters. They’d stopped engaging with me on an emotional level. I was angry and sad and they wouldn’t listen to me. I know I shouldn’t have just walked away from that, but I did. I felt betrayed. I started seeing someone else who can’t be directly compared to him. I tried to maintain a relationship as best I could with him.

Except last night I got trapped in a situation that basically forced me to confront my choice to leave him.

I was already eating dinner with other people when he arrived, clearly on a date. Unfortunately he didn’t see me and just got on with his meal. I’m sure that it’s basically none of my business, and I should shut up whining about the situation of my own making… except for the fact that I was so bloody close to their table I was pretty much on the date with them. That was just a bit much because I had to keep smiling and joking with my companions, and pretend I wasn’t a bit freaked out.

I freaked out because I’ve worked pretty hard for several months now to make sure that situation wouldn’t happen. I went to places that weren’t our places. I cancelled gigs and sold tickets if I found out he would see me there. On this occasion, there was no way for me to escape, and it reminded me that no matter how well I try to organise myself, I really have little control over life’s rich tapestry and particularly, I have too little control over what comes from the cancer crap I’m navigating fiercely through.

It says to me – “Hey, the universe doesn’t think you have been punished enough for your choices in life. Heck, choice is for wussies, so here, have something more to put up with, right IN YOUR FACE in a way you can’t avoid it” – so as you can imagine, that has made me feel really really really angry and unhappy.

And then… through no fault of their own this time, the bully gets to tell me the name of my potential replacement on that same evening I’ve just been confronted with her by fate. Hey universe, give me a BREAK will you?

So… I’m not angry with people, I’m just angry with fate, and chance, and life, and me.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know – I suppose I’ll show
All my cool and cold – like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Lyrics by Smashing Pumpkins